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I sat, hunched over beside the tent my younger brother slept in. Musket and bullet in hand, I scanned my surroundings. All was nearly quiet. Some men were awakening to take the morning watch; I myself was awake early to watch over my sleeping brother. If battle arose, I’d be protecting him first. The sounds and smells of sizzling bacon wafted through the air. Like clockwork, Paddy Nolan shot out of his tent and bolted to the fire to get his ration. I was hungry, but I never moved an inch; Gabriel still slept. I’d go nowhere, do nothing without him. I patted my breast pocket on my coat, making sure the letter I had written to Mother earlier that morning was still there. Dawn began to break over the horizon.
That day, Gabriel and I, and a small group of men were assigned to scavenge the area. I didn’t want my brother to go, but he’s a man now, and even though I will protect him till the day I die, I can’t make his decisions for him. We paved our way through muck and greenery. There were trees and shrubs everywhere. Gabriel and I were in awe; we didn’t have things like this at home. We had a forest, of course but nothing this grandeur. I thought how my wife and children would love this; Abeth picking fresh berries for her mouthwatering pies (oh what I wouldn’t give for a slice of her apple pie right now) and little Carrie and Jacob running about playing their games. The sunlight dispersed as we treaded deeper into the woods. We stopped for a break near a large Ironwood. That had to be the fattest tree I’ve ever seen! Gabriel lay to rest against it; the trek must have taken a lot out of him. I continued to think of my family back home. I thought about what they were probably doing at this moment, what they would do if they lost me…
Snap! Our troop fell silent. Twigs were snapping in the distance. They were too loud, too frequent paced to be the footsteps of animals. Voices, we heard voices coming toward us. Southern accents; the Confederates! We hid among the trees, careful not to deter attention upon us. Gabriel and I crouched low to the ground, hugging the Ironwood like a frightened child would hug his mother. The voices and footsteps grew louder. Gabriel looked at me with fear in his eyes. He had fought some, but never engaged in a sprung fight. I put a comforting hand on his shoulder and he softened a bit; he knew I’d always protect him. We held our breaths, straining to hear a sound; a voice, an animal, footsteps, chirping, anything! But there was none. My ears pleaded for the slightest sound. Silence was the only answer. I quietly begged that the silence rang true; the Confederates had gone. But in the back of my mind I knew something was terribly wrong. That was when I saw it. Someone had left their musket lying out in the open. I clasped Gabriel against me. The skies darkened, the air cooled and the treetops closed in as if the forest were shielding the rest of the world from view. Whatever was going to happen was not going to be pretty.
I gazed down at Gabriel, my little brother, only seventeen. A man yet still a boy. For an instant I saw my son in his eyes and my heart dropped to my feet. A pang of fear shot down my back. I promised Gabriel I’d protect him till the day I die. Somewhere in the hidden depths of my soul, I knew that day was today. Oh I wished I could protect him forever. I wished I could hold my children again, rock them to sleep in my arms and kiss their little faces goodnight as I tuck them into bed. I wanted desperately to sit with Mother in front of the fire and listen intently to her stories of Eire. I craved to hold Abeth in my arms, lay with her in our bed and kiss her sweet lips. I longed to whisper, “A ghrá mo chroí” in her ear as sleep would overtake us. I ached for Father. I so wished he could see us now; Gabriel and Mikael no longer mischievous boys of five and three, but men of honor. Catrien who then was a cheeky, sly toddler is now a fine young lady of fifteen. And finally baby Maura; the last born of Betsy and Jonathan Kennelly. She was due for arrival just after Father passed. She grows to resemble him a bit more each day. I just want to see him again, to look up and call, “Father” and he turn to me smiling. I want him to see me now as a father of two beautiful babies. And my life long sweetheart now my wife. I gravely wanted to be home again. Just once is all.
I closed my eyes in haste; it was all happening too fast. I couldn’t see with my own eyes, I could only hear. There were clicking noises in the distance accompanied by low whispers that were inching closer and closer. Tolson whispered to me and the others to prepare for battle. With one arm remaining around Gabriel, I reached around my backside for my musket only to discover that the man who left his musket lying about in the open was no other but me. I mentally slapped myself across my face. Shifting my weight against the tree, I swung Gabriel around to face me. Gazing into his eyes, I asked him for his forgiveness. He looked up to me in confusion. Behind us, the fight began. Bullets raged through the air. Men ranted their battle cries. I tightened my grip on Gabriel and he winced in pain. I immediately let go as he looked up at me with hurt and misconception in his eyes. Bronagh. “Forgive me,” I whispered, “for leaving you.” Closing my eyes in anguish and opening them in immoral truth, I plunged into the darkness.
I raised my voice in fury as the butt of the musket I carried came down upon my first victim. He fell to the ground with a silent thud. I raised the musket to fire at him, but my mind told me not to; these bullets weren’t for him. I looked down at the man on the ground. He looked younger than Gabriel. I turned around in time to see Gabriel edging away from the Ironwood. I yelled for him to get back, but it was too late; a Confederate had spotted him. Suddenly that Confederate was overtaken by a Union soldier… Paddy! I looked around me. The Confederates were outnumbered by us. Someone must have been able to sneak away and summon help. I wished it was Gabriel; he does not need to be here right now. Finally, he ducked back behind the tree. I maneuvered back into the wrath of battle. I swung the musket at anyone and anything in my path; I had blinded myself in the angst of reality. I couldn’t die; I mustn’t die, not now of all times. Endorsement, we had endorsement! How could I possibly die if we were advancing to victory? I began to shake instantaneously as fear settled into my bones. I continued to swing the musket back and forth, left and right. I continued until I hit a tree and the rattling of the musket shook my arms excruciatingly. I dropped the blasted thing at once. I slumped to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. My eyes drifted shut, heavy with grief. Reality had hit me; I was going to die this very day, in this very wood, leaving all I had ever accomplished behind. My friends, my work, my home and everything else would have to go on without me. And my family! I can’t leave them behind. I need to be there for Mother and my young sisters and Mikael. I need to be there for Abeth, Carrie and Jacob. And Gabriel…
I slowly opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder. The war played on. Metal screeched, bullets screamed, and bodies slammed into the ground. Smoke and fog mingled in the air giving a deathly glow to the wood. I looked up towards the treetops just in time to see a shadow of darkness settle overhead. It leisurely inched its way down to the battleground. I watched calmly as the shadow fanned out, darkening the battle field. If Death wasn’t here before, he certainly had arrived now.
I wearily stood up, using the tree I had hit for support. The tree tops fragmented and a wave of sunlight illuminated through the battlefield, as if lighting a pathway. My eyes followed its course as it settled on the Ironwood in which Gabriel hid behind. Old fellah, we meet again. Just as quickly as the tree tops parted, they closed again, leaving my heart torn asunder and replaced with a cold, fiery stone that thudded to the rhythm of this melancholic symphony called war. Its hollowness echoed throughout my soul, awakening my being for one last journey.
Lighting bolted through my veins and the stone in my chest erupted in flames, signaling my race against time. My being knew not where the finish line lay; the greater source from above guiding my barren feet. The only thing I could even begin to think of was protecting Gabriel from who or what I was yet to encounter. The enkindled mass in my chest shattered bit by bit with every step, winding down the time I had to complete my course. Gabriel, hold on dear brother. I shall not fail you. I will not fail you.
I came upon my first obstacle; a Confederate with a rather large frame. Hand to hand combat, he chose. I had no time for childish skirmish, so I took the easy out and swung the musket at his midsection, keeling him over before I reversed the motion towards his somewhat lopsided head. Hadn’t I dropped this musket? The greater source from above at play with me, again? The man ceased to rise, not that I wanted him to. Any other time maybe, but today I had life and death on my hands. I charged on through the path, swiveling around clashing soldiers; waltzing to the cold droning of this demon orchestra. At first I danced solo, but now I had someone trying to cut in… Bloody Confederates. Leave me alone! Before the tall, lanky figure before my bleary eyes could lift a finger, I had thrust the musket butt first into the boy’s jaw, sending him reeling over backwards. Trusty little object, aren’t you? I put my hand on my chest and felt where the stone lay. The icy thing a mere sliver of its former self. Not much time left. I forged my way on, sweeping my path of anything that stood in my way. Well, almost anything. I tripped over the foot of a dead soldier, Confederate or Union I couldn’t tell. His uniform was soaked in blood. All of it not his own. I hit the ground on my backside and let out a malicious growl. Even though my body was hollow, and my soul sparse, I still physically hurt. Just my luck…
Stomp, stomp, stomp. Something shook the ground and rattled my bones, irritating my head. What now? I looked up and saw a man… a Confederate, standing in front of the Ironwood. The old sod was deadly familiar, but I couldn’t recall a name. He held a boy around the neck, choking him. My eyes began to fail me, I couldn’t really see the face of him. I squinted rea- oh dear God! Gabriel! The Confederate’s eyes beckoned mine and I understood their message, “Kill, or be killed.” I instantly recognized the man as a hefty soldier I fought previously in battle. Went after Gabriel, he did. Seems as though he and the greater sources from above are in this together. A fracture in the stone began carving one final path down to its extremity. Last chance to make my move. And there was no thinking involved. One second was all I had, one chance.
The wood went silent as the bullet wailed through the air, piercing the Confederate between the eyes, and he in turn fired upon me, piercing my heart. Seems it hadn’t gone at all, but hid inside a cold façade of my fate. The Red fell to the ground, releasing Gabriel. He dashed to my side. Time seemed to pocket us in a safety shield, allowing us one last moment together. Tears stained his young face, making him look well beyond his seventeen years. He cried out in vain and begged me not to go, but we both knew the answer to that. It was out of my hands; it had always been that way. My life played before my eyes, just as the old wise elders in town say happen before a man dies. Every little detail rang out into my mind.
“What am I to do, brother? What shall be done for our family? How can we go on? Carrie and Jacob need you!” he cried.
“Love them, treat them as your own. Go on as if nothing had happened,” I gasped. “Be the man you are, Gabriel. Live!” It was a chore to breath, and an endless aching in my chest had settled in. Darkness closed around me. Death was staking his claim.
“And Abeth? What shall I do for her?”
On my final breath, I gazed into the weary depths of Gabriel’s eyes and whispered, “Kiss her for me.”
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